Jack-Ass Replies to mySpace Bulletins

MySpace Friend's Bulletins

You see them and you either read them constantly, now and then or just moan when they're there because you know someone is spending a lot of time taking a long questionnaire to reveal how mundane or predictable life is.

Other times, it's just a list of things you are encouraged to do that are just plain obvious. What is one left to do but retaliate with idiotic and perverted humor?

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27 Ways To Make A Girl Smile . . . . .

*1 . Tell her she is beautiful, not hott, fine or ***y.
HOW ABOUT NOT FLINCHING WHEN YOU WAKE UP NEXT TO HER IN THE MORNING? Y'KNOW, IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT COUNT.

*2 . Hold her hand at any moment even if it just for a second.
WHAT IF SHE'S DRIVING AND CRASHES?

*3 . Kiss her on the forehead.
AGAIN, WHAT IF SHE'S DRIVING?

*4 . Leave her voice messages to wake up to.
WHAT IF SHE'S SLEEPING AND YOU WAKE HER UP WHEN SHE HAS TO WORK EARLY THE NEXT MORNING?

*5 . Always tell her you love her at any and all times.
EVEN WHEN SHE'S THROWING AWAY MY PORN COLLECTION?

*6 . When she is upset hold her tight and tell her how much she means to you.
WHAT IF SHE'S UPSET THAT YOU KEEP REPEATING HOW MUCH SHE MEANS TO YOU OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER...?

*7 . Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most.
WHAT IF IT'S HER BOOBIES AND SHE'S SENSITIVE ABOUT ME STARING AT THE LITTLE THINGS ALL THE TIME?

*8 . Sing to her no matter how horrible your voice is.
EVEN IF YOUR VOICE CAN EASILY HIT THAT SPECIAL OCTAVE THAT MAKES PEOPLE INVOLUNTARILY CRAP THEMSELVES?

*9 . Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.
WELL, DUH. SHE GIVES ME BLOWJOBS.

*10 . Write her notes. {she loves them}
EVEN IF I'M TALKING ABOUT HER TINY BOOBIES AND ASKING FOR BLOWJOBS?

*11 . Introduce her to family and friends as your girlfriend.
YEAH, AND HOPE NO ONE REPLIES, "OH, SHE'S MUST BE THE ONE THAT SWALLOWS, RIGHT?"

*12 . Play with her hair.
WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO DO DURING A BLOWJOB? I CAN'T REACH HER TINY BOOBIES.

*13 . Pick her up, tickle her and play-wrestle with her.
WHAT? SHE MAY HAVE TINY BOOBIES, BUT HER HIPS ARE HUGE!

*14 . Sit in the park and just talk to her.
I DO THAT ALL THE TIME, WHO ELSE IS GOING TO TELL HER TO GET HER FAT ASS OUT'A THE FOUNTAIN?

*15 . Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, just tell her jokes.
WELL, I THOUGHT TELLING HER TO GET HER FAT ASS OUT'A THE FOUNTAIN WAS FUNNY. I WAS JOKING, 'CAUSE SHE NEEDED A BATH ANYWAYS.

*16 . Throw pebbles at her window in the middle of the night just because you missed her.
YEAH, MAYBE AFTER HER EYE HEALS FROM THE LAST TIME I THREW ONE TOO MANY STONES UP THERE. ALTHOUGH, I MUST ADMIT THAT WITH THE EYE-PATCH I LIKE HOW KINKY IT IS TO BE HAVING SEX WITH A PIRATE.

*17 . Let her fall asleep in your arms.
SHE PASSED OUT THE OTHER NIGHT AT THE BAR. DOES THAT COUNT?

*18. Carve your names into a Tree.
SHE'S A TREE HUGGER, SHE'LL KICK MY ASS IF I TRIED THAT.

*19 . If she's mad at you, kiss her.
YOU JUST WANT ME TO TRY AND GET CLOSER TO HER SO SHE CAN TAKE ANOTHER SWING AT ME FOR CARVING UP THAT TREE.

*20 . Give her piggyback rides.
HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING TO WHAT I SAID ABOUT HER FAT ASS?

*21 . Bring her Flowers just because.
JUST BECAUSE OF THE BLOWJOBS?

*22 . Treat her the same around your friends as you do when your alone.
I'M NOT SHOVING HER HEAD DOWN IN MY LAP AROUND MY FRIENDS, I DON'T WANT THEM TO SEE THE GOOFY FACES I MAKE.

*23 . Look her in the eyes and smile.
SHE'S A LITTLE PARANOID AND FREAKS OUT WHEN I TRY THAT.

*24 . Let her take as many pictures of you as she wants.
I LET HER THROW OUT ALL MY PORN. DOES THAT COUNT?

*25 . Slow dance with her, even if there isn't any music playing.
THAT WAY IT'S HARDER TO NOTICE SHE HAS NO RHYTHM IF THERE'S NOTHING TO COMPARE HER SWAYING TO.

*26 . Kiss her in the rain.
YEAH, I GUESS THAT'S THE ONLY CHANCE WHERE SHE'D MENTION SHE'S ALL WET WHILE I'M KISSING HER.

*27 . If your in love with her . . . Tell her
I DO THAT EVERY TIME I PLAY WITH HER HAIR.